I Got A War On My Mind

Silk Yardage I dyed that reminds me of a swimming pool.

I would like to think I am a “calculated risk taker” and sometimes I think I only tell myself that because anything less makes me feel boring.  Yes, I can be impulsive and yes I can be hot headed at times, but I also like to think things through and weigh the pros and cons.  I hate committing to things and making solid plans. Being pulled, equally, in opposite directions is one of the worst feelings, but unfortunately it is a feeling that I have a lot.

My parents tell me that taking me into a gift store when I was young was agonizing.  My sister and I could pick ONE thing from the store. Somehow, I always had my heart equally set on two.  I have one memory of really wanting a stuffed cat.  I ended up with a white, long haired Persian cat named “Cloud” (seventeen years later and I’m still wondering if I should have gotten the over stuffed, grey one). These days I’m debating something else: should I commit to living here or take a risk and move away?  I suppose I should be more grateful that this is one of my biggest problems in life right now.  Instead, just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

Why do I want to run away from stability and my roots?  Probably the biggest reason of all is art.  I have tried and tried to make “it” work here. I have done markets, craft shows, The Barracks, Facebook, networking and Twitter. There just doesn’t seem to be the resources here to get this “thing” off the ground. I feel like maybe a bigger city would be the answer to my problems. I don’t know, maybe it’s one of those “the grass is always greener” things.  I have friends who live in these “greener places” (Toronto, Ottawa, Vancouver) who tell me, all the time, to move out there with them. However, even they grovel at the low cost of living, down-to-earth, family oriented lifestyle here.

UGH!!  I want the best of both worlds!!  Maybe its like PepsiCo’s CEO says, “…women still can’t have it all.”  As much as this seems to be true, I think that deep down I just do not accept this.  Why can’t I have a great job, a nice house, millions of dollars and a body that just won’t quit no matter how many poutines and chicken wings I digest!?  I just don’t get it!!!!!!!!

So, with this being Thanksgiving, I will leave off with this.  I am so thankful to God that I have a great job, a loving husband, some dollars, and a decent body that looks OK after I stuffed myself full of Thanksgiving dinner…and maybe a poutine.

“Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean.” – Christopher Reeve


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